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Onto US: Phase 1

So my parents and brother left for the US a few weeks ago. My sister and I are to follow in less than three months time. In the mean time, my aunt is staying with us to basically take care of us. I've shed some tears because we're leaving soon. Mostly, because of my grandmother. But I know I'll visit soon and often after everything there is settled. I feel like I've been a lot more busy than I have been before my parents and brother left. Probably because there are many things now that are left in my responsibility. I've also been busy with looking for schools so I can take short courses that I can apply (hopefully) what I learn once I'm in the U.S. Honestly, learning make-up is the only thing I am interested in, but my mother told me to take hair cutting and hair coloring classes as well. It took a while of searching but I finally found a school that's near, inexpensive and short. I'll be enrolling soon. In a few days, I'll be going to my first e…
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Into 2018

As I grow up, more and more events that feel so important and remarkable for me has become.. meh. Like Christmas and New Year. In a way, it's understandable because on one side of my family, they don't really celebrate stuff like those. And it gave me a different perspective on celebrations as a whole. People usually make New Year's Resolutions and it's an ongoing joke how we never follow through our New Year's Resolutions. I used to make those things too. Then I stopped, realizing I never complete any of it. One reason is because I never take them seriously. I make resolutions without doing anything after the act of making it. No planning, no micro-goals to reach the bigger goals. Another reason, if you've read my previous post Anxiety, Procrastination and Perfectionism, you'd know. I procrastinate when I know I won't be able to do a task perfectly. What underlies that is my schedule. School and school works took up much of my life before. Now that I&#…

What Now?

It has been a week since the board exams for Psychometrician were over. And I feel like I need time to rest and rejuvenate myself. In short, I have just been on the computer watching YouTube videos, movies and Criminal Minds (I'm currently on season 7). There are still things I need to do to finish up completely my school life, but I can't pick myself up to do it. I know I'll do it sometime this week but right now, and for the past week, there's just something that makes me lethargic and lazy. I've got around less than 4 months before we leave for the States and so much I want to accomplish before that. For some reason, I feel like if I don't do it here, I won't be able to do it there. Or it may take some time before I am able to. I just have to do it. Because it's for me. And honestly, the only thing stopping me is myself.

September 8, 2017

It's 9:28 and I'm slowly realizing
This is goodbye
We never were meant to be

And with every word I sing
And every chord I play
A little piece of me lets you go

Yet one trivial piece I know will stay
You've left a mark on me
Which I will remind me everyday

That day we danced underneath the moonlight
I see you slowly disappear
The warmth of your touch leaves me
Until only I am left
My world is at a standstill

August 5, 2017

You had fallen in love with your best friend.
It wasn't so surprising though. Everyone falls in love with your best friend. Everything about him is lovable, being around him feels like the perfect vacation and when he smiles at you, his eyes ground you, making you feel like the most important person in the world.
You've known him for 15 years, and maybe you've been falling for him all that time. But suddenly, it had become so painful to hide and pretend you're not hurting. Everyone says you're the complete opposite of each other, as day and night are. He was the sun, you were the moon. He was light and you were darkness. Being a part of his life felt like two magnets repelling each other. Both of yours and his parents though, believe you two would end up together. He would just shrug it off with a good-natured smile while you would roll your eyes and scoff.
You didn't want to end up with him though. Because you know you'd be that unwanted black ho…

Anxiety, Procrastinating and Perfectionism

I'm an INFJ. When I took the MBTI test for this and got my results, I felt so... understood. I felt much more secure in who I am and my preferences. I've always thought nobody could fully understand how I work but here we are. But I also found a sort of peace with myself. I'm a human being. I'm complex. And although this test was pretty accurate in describing me, it's still not all of me, and that's okay.
I've always known I'm a perfectionist. I want things done in the right way, at all times. If there's something I must do, I do it with utmost care and precision. If not, I'm not going to do it. That is why I procrastinate. Back then, it was so confusing and frustrating whenever I find myself procrastinating. If I'm a perfectionist, I should do everything asked of me with the right amount of time and never a second late, better if done early. So why do I procrastinate? It was the complete opposite. But when I read about why I procrastinate a…

June 27, 2017

I felt older than him but maybe it's because I had to grow up fast. I did't have the same childhood he did or the same environment and people. He gave me back the innocence and warmth and empathy I failed to experience. He is a pure soul. So warm and loving. He's like the sun I was deprived of and now that I've basked in his warmth, the only way I can survive is around him.